A few days ago, I went on a run with my dog, Teddie. She saw me getting ready for my run and was standing by the door, tail wagging eagerly as I was about to make my exit. I couldn’t refuse those begging brown puppy dog eyes. Teddie is a pretty energetic dog, and as we began our run, she loped alongside me with ease, at times even bounding ahead of me. However, as the minutes ticked by, and we settled into the monotony of the run, she began to slow down a bit. Teddie is usually pretty good for the first two miles. Sure enough, right after the 2-mile mark, she began to drag her feet a bit more. She wanted to stop every few feet and smell the flowers and the grass, or chase the deer that had just darted into the woods ahead of us. I was annoyed and just wanted to keep on going. I had set my goal for a 4-mile run that morning, and I was not thrilled that now I had a 45-pound weight to coax along behind me. My attitude shifted between wanting to just give up and go home and the desire to drag Teddie the whole 4 miles with anger and resentment being the product of both.
I was frustrated that I had decided to bring Teddie in the first place. I should have known, and truly I had known, that she would slow me down. I dragged her along, unwilling to give up my goal of running four miles. I was wearing myself out struggling against poor Teddie, and even my arms began to ache as I switched the leash from hand to hand while attempting to get Teddie excited about running a little faster. My struggle against my situation was proving to be rather fruitless as Teddie was definitely winning the battle over who would be in charge of the pace at which we would be running.
Slogging along with my sweet pup while the sun was slowly rising, bringing along with it some good old fashioned Texas August heat, I began to think about how this run could be compared to other times in my life when I’ve struggled with the situation in which I have found myself. Many of the choices I have made in my life have actually led to hard things for me. They are not choices that I regret, but they are choices that put me in a position where I would have to sacrifice, work harder, and at times change my planned course or the pace at which I believed I could accomplish something.
I chose to follow Jesus the spring of my Junior year of college. I really didn’t know at that time, the cost of this choice. I have lived a very abundant and blessed life, but following Jesus has definitely meant that I have had to alter the attitudes, dreams and plans I once held to. No regrets here, but my life’s path dramatically shifted in my very early 20’s. I have not looked back. This has been the foundational choice of my life, following a Way that doesn’t reflect the ways of this world.
I have a Stanford education, and I chose to pour all of that knowledge into these amazing 13 people with whom I have been blessed as my children. Sometimes, I have felt like I did that morning with Teddie on my run–like I am being held back, like I want to go a different direction, like I am struggling against what my choices (and my blessings) have brought into my path. Over the years, however, I have learned to lean into these things and stop struggling against them. I have embraced the challenges, learned to go with the interruptions, found the joy in slowing down and checking out the scenery with my children. Together we have smelled the flowers and chased the deer. Instead of seeing this lifestlye as dragging me down or holding me back, I have seen how it has grown my character, helped me understand prioritizing what truly matters in life, and made me so much the better for it all. In my 20’s, I could have pursued a career that would have fulfilled me in a different way, and if that had been the path, I’m sure there would have been abundant blessings for me in that as well. But this is the life God has given me. He blessed us with baby after baby; He called us to homeschool them; He clearly called us to adopt three children with significant special needs. Some people would say I have given up the best years of my life to build into these lives. I could have put them in school, gotten a nanny, spent a lot more time pursuing things for myself. I could view them as dragging me down. My mom used to give me lots of ideas of things I could do as a “job” while staying home with my kids–I was always the daughter she thought would have an impressive career. I could have done so many great things with this tremendous Stanford brain. If I had dwelt on that too much, it would have felt like dragging my dog on that leash for my 4-mile run–inconvenient, slowing me down, cramping my style. I chose to see it differently.
That morning, just a few days ago, while I was running with my dog, I chose to see it differently. I slowed my pace, I let the leash out a little bit more so I wasn’t pulling Teddie so forcefully; so she could have a little more freedom. We became a team again. I listened to the day waking up, the different bird calls around me in our little rural neighborhood. I slowed even more to watch with Teddie as a bushy-tailed fox crossed the road just ahead of us. I smelled the beautiful morning air. I finished my 4-mile run. Yes, it was a bit slower than my usual brisk pace, but I did finish. I actually enjoyed it. When we arrived back at our long, gravel driveway, I let Teddie off of the leash, and she bounced ahead of me, back towards home. I laughed out loud as it occurred to me that maybe my style was cramping hers the whole time as well. Regardless, when my attitude shifted, so did my run. And I enjoyed my time with a little grey-spotted pup who forced me to slow down and drink the morning in fully.
I look at what lies ahead in my life. I still have many, many years ahead of homeschooling children, and I will have even more years ahead most likely, loving our children with special needs who will always require special care and attention. But these days, I actually am more free to pursue some interests that are for me. I am singing at church again after many years of being unable to do so. This past May, I promoted to 1st degree black belt in Kuk Sool Won martial art. I am taking a couple of classes that interest me, and I can share the things I am learning with my own little crew of students. We are entering a new chapter. Thus far in life, I feel as if nothing has really dragged me down. The sacrifices and the challenges have lifted me up. And all I see ahead is more beauty.
“Adversity is not simply a tool. It is God’s most effective tool for the advancement of our spiritual lives. The circumstances and events that we see as setbacks are oftentimes the very things that launch us into periods of intense spiritual growth. Once we begin to understand this, and accept it as a spiritual fact of life, adversity becomes easier to bear.“
– Charles Stanley