We have had a whirlwind of activity this spring, including 6 Speech and Debate tournaments!  All of the paperwork for our adoption is completed, and our dossier was sent in mid-February.  We have been officially approved by China to adopt our two children!  Our children have been approved by immigration to become US citizens upon their adoption.  We are now in the process of applying for our visas.   The next step after that is that we will receive travel approval, and make our plans to fly to China and get our boy and girl to bring them home!  It’s all very exciting and very overwhelming at the same time.  I am so excited, and I have so many hopes and dreams for these children to become part of our family, to come to know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, and to live happy and fulfilling lives.  I am so excited that they will now belong in a family.  At the same time, I am trying to maintain realistic expectations of how difficult this process is going to be.  I have spent hours praying over all of this.  I am not really worried, just feeling overwhelmed by all that is to come in the next couple of months.

On top of the overwhelming feelings regarding the adoption, I have been dealing with issues surrounding my dad, who has Alzheimer’s and is now living here in Austin.  There are issues regarding his estate that my sisters and I are having to deal with, which have been shocking and infuriating.  I won’t go into details about all of that right now, but it has been consuming a good amount of time and thought in the last few months.  Of course, now that he is here in Austin, I try to see my dad a few times per week.  Seeing him the way he is now is so heartbreaking.  There are a lot of emotions related to watching my father decline, and going through everything we are dealing with regarding his estate.  It kills me to watch him slowly lose his independence, his vocabulary, even his memory of how to use eating utensils properly.  I feel really torn between wanting to see him more and realizing I do have a young family that needs me.  Realistically, I have to limit the time we spend with my dad.  I don’t think I myself truly grasp just how draining experiencing all of this has been on me this past year.

Of course, there are my responsibilities at home and homeschool.  We are finishing school, and a few kids have things left over to work on during the summer.  Speech and debate is finished for the year in terms of regular club meetings, but we have Nationals coming in late June, and two of our kids qualified to Nationals (yay!).  There are meetings for debate prep and remembering to exit “summer mode” to practice speeches.  Then I am thinking about the club that my friend and I started two years ago, and the responsibility of planning and preparing for the coming year.  There are changes happening with that, too, leading me to have mixed emotions.  I have hopes and plans for a great place for students to come, learn and fellowship together in a Christ-like manner, learning to communicate with excellence for His glory.  Lately, I have been allowing myself to be overly worried or concerned about what will happen with the club next year, who will be in the club, what it all means for my own kids as this has been such an important part of their education for the last few years, and I hope for it to continue for years to come.

Also, recently there was some question of whether my husband’s job would be there for him in the next year or two.  The company he works for announced major layoffs, and there was a bit of uncertainty there for a few days.  Tension arose regarding finances, and how quickly we are spending money.  Adoption costs, home and auto maintenance expenses, as well as just every day expenses weighed heavily on us as we thought about the possibility that the job we have depended on for over two decades may not be there to provide for us anymore.  Everyone can relate to the fact that this kind of financial stress can cause at least a little conflict in a marriage, and I was feeling the effects of that recently as well.  Things seem to be OK for now with the job, by the way, so that is very good news.

All of these things have caused me to be a little bit down lately.  I am usually a very optimistic person, always able to see the “bright side” or the “silver lining.”  Honestly, I have been struggling with that lately.  Instead of my normally cheerful heart, I feel an unfamiliar weight in my heart.  I realize that this is something that many people walk around with all the time.  Life is full of burdens, heartache, pressure, stress, and disappointment.  How can we make it through?  When our hearts are troubled, when we are experiencing sadness, disappointment, even depression, where do we turn?

I am so thankful that I have a relationship with God, and that I know Jesus as my Lord and Savior.  In the light of His glory and grace, all else fades away.  I was out running a few weeks ago.  Running has become a great outlet for me.  I can just lose myself in it, and it is a great time to pray and listen to uplifting music.  While I was running, I heard a song entitled, “Sparrows” by Jason Gray.  The words of this song really capture what I have been learning lately.  All of the things that are building up, creating a perfect environment for stress and worry—all of these things HE holds in His hands.

Jesus said, “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.  And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” (Matthew 10:29-31).

It’s hard to imagine that our heavenly Father knows even the tiniest little bird in a nest.  He clothes the fields with beautiful flowers.  He feeds the birds of the air, who neither sow nor reap, so why should I worry.  Worry adds not a single hour to my life (Matthew 6:25-34), and worry certainly won’t help accomplish anything helpful or even practical.  The Lord holds everything in His hands—every created thing, even time is in His hands.  He holds tomorrow.  Each moment, full of concern or worries as they may be, are in His keeping.

Here are all the words to the song, “Sparrows.”  And I’ll include the music video also.  I love this song.  Music speaks to my heart in such a profound way, and I am thankful that the Lord gave us music to encourage our hearts as well as to praise Him.  Just listening to these words (which really come from the Bible) and singing along helps me to feel better.  I love the words that remind me that I don’t walk alone.  So many times, when we are going through difficult times, we feel alone.  I know I’m not alone.  He is always with me.  May you also be encouraged today, whatever you may be going through.

Sparrows

You can’t add a single day by worrying
You’ll worry your life away
Oh don’t worry your life away
You can’t change a single thing by freaking out
It’s just gonna close you in
Oh don’t let the trouble win

You may feel alone
But you’re not on your own

(chorus)
(Lalala) if He can hold the world He can hold this moment
(Lalala) not a field nor flower escapes His notice
Oh even the sparrow
Knows He holds tomorrow

Lean in and it’s hard to miss
Everything can change
When you make it His
Oh He wants to carry it
Carefree in the care of God
When you let it go
You’ll find that He’s enough
Oh you never leave His love

You don’t walk alone

(chorus)
(Lalala) if He can hold the world He can hold this moment
(Lalala) not a field nor flower escapes His notice
Oh even the sparrow
Knows He holds tomorrow

There’s not a single star that’s out of place
There’s nothing broken He can’t remake
If you long for hope when you’re afraid
Oh look at the sparrow
Look at the sparrow

(chorus)
(Lalala) if He can hold the world He can hold this moment
(Lalala) not a field nor flower escapes His notice
Oh even the sparrow
Knows He holds tomorrow
(Lalala) even the sparrow knows
He holds tomorrow